When the time comes in a person’s life to find a spouse, is the modern day “dating” paradigm the best way to go about it? Is it the only way to go about it? Is there a more biblical and natural way to approach getting to know enough about someone to know that you want to spend the rest of your life with them?

Before I make these points for your consideration, let me acknowledge a few things. 1) While many good marriages began with two young people dating, the end doesn’t always justify the means. 2) “Dating” is a very fluid term. Different people have different rules. Can “dating” be harmless, innocent and conducted in a godly fashion? Certainly. But I would suggest that such is the exception and not the rule. Consider a few pitfalls of the “dating” paradigm.

Dating is often tantamount to a trial run at marriage, without the obligation. Think about it. When two people start dating, they have entered into a singular commitment with one another—one that is ultimately reserved for marriage (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:4-6). However, because there is no legal obligation, spiritually or physically, if things don’t work out, they end it and move into another relationship. In each case, feelings are developed that should be reserved for marriage. Words are said that should be reserved for marriage. Hearts are given to others that should be kept by God until the day they are ready to be given in marriage.

Dating is often construed as a license for intimacy. When two people start dating, it often construed as saying it is okay to start the physical side of a relationship. When you take two people who are physically attracted to each other and single them off on a date, you are courting temptation. Much baggage is attached to just saying yes to a date, or even a dating relationship. Even the best intentions can become victim to a moment’s reckless folly.

Dating escalates and accelerates the physical part of a relationship. For young people who are still developing self-control, this is a often a recipe for disaster. Even in the most innocent dating circumstances, some type of intimacy is involved. Something as simple as holding hands can carry some highly charged emotions. I don’t hold a woman’s hand in prayer with the same feelings with which I hold my wife’s hand. However, holding hands is the least of our concerns. Once again, despite the best intentions, parental or otherwise, the statistics do not lie (cf. Heb. 13:4). You can’t take fire into your bosom and not be burned (cf. 1 Cor. 7:9).

Much can be said about the pitfalls of dating. Suffice it to say, dating is not the only option to get to know someone for the purpose of marriage. Though many of the world do not start dating with thoughts about marriage, the children of God should (Isa. 55:8-9). Dating should be a means to an end. I guess it all boils down to what end a person is seeking.

Is it not ironic that friendship is often the end of any dating relationship, as is realized when a girl says to her boyfriend, “Let’s just be friends,” when in fact any worthwhile relationship should begin with friendship. Friendship is really the best way to get to know someone well enough to marry them. Genuine friendship is not clouded by all the pitfalls of dating. Genuine friendship is a natural way to progress into a marriage, since intimacy is reserved for marriage (Heb. 13:4). Genuine friendship will give a young marriage all the tools it needs to develop into an enduring marriage.

While single adult Christians should take this counsel to heart, I would most particularly challenge young people  to think seriously about this. Learning to be the best friend you can be will aptly prepare you to be the best spouse you can be. It will free you from guilt and distraction that often comes from the dating paradigm. It will help you to focus your life on serving God until the time comes that you are ready to start thinking seriously about marriage.

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