Effective, selfless communication in any relationship is absolutely essential, especially for a Christian. We are taught, “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers” (Ephesians 4:29). Unfortunately, this level of communication often evades us.

Many are better talkers than they are listeners. Others rarely say anything. Some speak because they have to say something, rather than because they have something worthwhile to say. Some are extremely eloquent speakers, yet the content of their speech manifests a heart full of selfishness, pride and arrogance. Others are clumsy with their tongue, with no desire to improve.

The greater issue is that we often excuse our inability to gracefully communicate rather than putting forth the effort to rise to our Lord’s expectation for our speech. How many of us are guilty of rationalizing (i.e., telling rational–lies) our poor communication skills rather than correcting them? Do we deceive ourselves into believing we are better communicators than we actually are? The truth is, communication is more than just the ability to speak eloquently, it includes the skills of listening and empathizing.

Poor communication becomes painfully obvious when conflict or disagreement arises in any relationship. It seems that when effective communication skills are most critical, they are most wanting. Good communication may have avoided a conflict altogether, nevertheless it can certainly resolve a conflict all-the-sooner.

While reading the book Boy Meets Girl (by Joshua Harris), I came across 10 of the most profound tips I have ever read to improve communication skills. Joshua Harris found these tips in the book Love That Lasts (by Gary and Betsy Ricucci). I was so impressed by the clarity and applicability of these tips, that I wanted to include them for your consideration. They are geared towards handling conflict in relationships, but are general enough to help in all forms of communication.

1. Learn to express your feelings and frustrations honestly, but without accusing or attacking the other person (Proverbs 11:9).
2. Choose words, expressions, and a tone of voice that are kind and gentle. Don’t use speech that could easily offend or spark an argument (Proverbs 15:1).
3. Don’t exaggerate, distort, or stretch the truth. Avoid extreme words like never and always (Ephesians 4:25).
4. Give actual and specific examples. If necessary, make notes before you communicate. Stay away from generalities.
5. Commit yourself to seeking solutions instead of airing your grievances. Getting even isn’t the goal—you want to get things resolved (Romans 12:17-21).
6. Listen to what the other person is saying, feeling and needing. Try to detect his or her underlying concerns (James 1:19).
7. Refuse to indulge bitterness, anger, withdrawal or argument. Though these emotions are normal, indulging them is sin (Ephesians 4:26).
8. Don’t hesitate to acknowledge your own failure and be quick to forgive the other person. Make sure you don’t hold a grudge (Luke 17:3-4).
9. Keep talking and asking questions until you are sure that you both understand clearly what the other is saying and feeling. Encourage each other as you press toward a solution (Romans 14:9).
10. Train your mouth and heart until you can say the right thing at the right time in the right way for the right reasons!

The Bible is replete with information regarding the effects of poor communication and the benefits of good communication. For example, “A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart” (Proverbs 18:2). “A fool’s lips enter into contention, and his mouth calls for blows” (Proverbs 18:6). “A fool’s mouth is his destruction, and his lips are the snare of his soul” (Proverbs 18:7). On the other hand, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness” (Proverbs 15:1-2).

Indeed, with so much spiritual wisdom on the good and bad of communication, what excuse for not improving in this critical element of life will stand? Would God have supplied so much if He expected so little? James reminds us, “Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things” (James 3:5).

Let us purpose to become effective communicators in every relationship in our lives. Rather than a simple “Hello” on the Lord’s day, let brethren learn to genuinely edify one another in their communication. Let the lips of husbands impart more than a tender kiss for their wives, but the wisdom that descends from above, imparting the blessing of grace always. Let the law of kindness depart from the lips of his wife. Let fathers (and mothers) provoke their children to love and good works with their speech, not to wrath and bitterness. Let praise be perfected in the mouths of babes, rather than be corrupted by the mouths of fools. Let all Christians learn to share the wonderful gospel of Jesus Christ, for there is no greater calling on this earth than to lead a soul from the darkness of sin and death to the light and life of Jesus Christ.

While no man will ever fully tame the tongue (James 3:8), the exercise and discipline of trying will certainly help to make us greater servants in the kingdom of our dear Lord (cf. James 3:2).